Over the last couple of years, I have been working quite closely with a very difficult colleague. He is stubborn, arrogant, and with almost everything acts as if he is the one who is always right. He is just impossible. Since I’ve known him for many years, I tried to just ignore the problem at first. However, it just keeps getting worse. This situation has gotten so bad that every night as I am going home, the only thing I can think of is how miserable the person must be. The people around us are also affected, since so much of our time is spent talking about the individual.

How should I cope with this situation?

This kind of situation is often described by most people as a personality conflict. I don’t really care for the term myself, since it implies the problem is mostly unsolvable, because it isn’t very likely that either individual is going to change his personality. In order to get something constructive out of the situation, you need to focus not on personalities but specific behaviors instead.

Some background factors to keep in mind. These kinds of situations have a tendency to happen over time. Behaviors that start out annoying and small, if they are not attended to, can transform into more annoying and bigger behavioral problems. In the beginning, you tried to just ignore the behavior. This may have actually contributed to the original problem.

Keep these basic principles in mind:
Each person influences the other individual’s behavior in any relationship. In virtually any situation involving conflict, each party bears responsibility for how things are.

You will drive yourself crazy if you focus on blame. In these kinds of situations, the key is to focus on the things that YOU can personally do to improve this matter. It really doesn’t matter whose fault it is, if what you are really interested in is making things better.

You have little to no control over another person’s personality or behavior, so the best thing you can do is focus on yourself and change your own behavior when necessary. Ask yourself what you are doing to contribute to the situation to make it unpleasant, and figure out what you can do to change your behavior. If what you are currently doing isn’t working, it is time to find another approach to take.

Here are a few ideas for you to consider:

1. Sometime, when both both of you are calm, ask the other person if you can have a talk. Do this privately, so it is just the two of you. Make sure to approach this situation in a manner that is non-accusatory. I know, if you happen to be frustrated, this is not easy to do. Try talking to the person along these lines:

„Peter, it appears you and I have some differences in how we see things. I have a few ideas about how we could possibly work together more effectively. However, I wanted you to let me know if there is anything I can do to make things better. Is there anything you can think of that would help improve things between us?“

Follow this up by listening carefully to what Peter has to say, so that he knows that you really are interested and concerned.

Try to find things that the two of you agree on, if that is possible. If your conversation is going fairly well, offer him something. You may want to also make a request as well, such as:

„Peter, it would really be helpful if during meetings when I am speaking, that you wait to comment until after I am finished. It really does distract me when you start talking before I finish. When I get distracted, I can’t properly listen to what you are saying.“

2. When you are frustrated, there is a good chance you are doing things to show how frustrated you are to the other individual. It shouldn’t be necessary for you to put up with abuse and then have to smile about it. However, you also shouldn’t be reacting and attacking as a response either. It is very important for you to deal with the situation in a firm but nice manner, and leave out the dramatics like heavy sighing or eye rolling. If the other individual is nasty or rude to you, respond with dignity. When it comes to how you react to specific behaviors, do set some limits. However, when you react in an angry manner, it almost worsens the situation.

3. Immediately stop making your disagreement something that is up for public discussion or debate. It is very disruptive to your organization. What is even worse is it makes it much harder to improve the situation. When we gossip about someone else, there is a tendency to portray the individual in a negative light and focus on their worst characteristics. This can really affect how you think about the person and results in you being less patient, especially when others support you covertly. Are you more interested in winning, or do you genuinely want to solve the problem. From my experience I can tell, that usually you can’t “win.”

4. It is much better to deal with the situation while it is still in its early stages. Use a combination of setting limits, firmness and politeness. There may be times when a conflict is so polarized that it is necessary to get outside help to solve it and for you to change how you look at things, both personally and practically. One thing you might possibly be able to do is to discuss the situation with your manager as objectively as you can. You could say something like this: „Peter and I are having problems getting along. It appears that it is affecting everybody. Don’t attempt to convince your boss how bad your colleague is. You will just look like a trouble maker or the one who is the problem.

Ask for suggestions or help. Take some of the responsibility for the problem and focus on solving it. The manager might decide to bring both of you in to discuss the situation so that you can work things out. You and the other individual may need to see a mediator or participate in some other kind of intervention.

5. In these kinds of situation, both of you have rights and responsibilities.

Your responsibilities include:

– seeking help from other individuals in a constructive, open and dignified way.
– listening to the other individual instead of trying to bully or convince them.
– be willing to recognize you most likely have contributed to this problem.
– avoid acting in ways that will worsen the situation.
– approach the other individual in a way that is polite and will help you work towards solving the problem.

Your rights include:

– expect help from management, but also realize they might not be able to help you solve your problem, unless both you and the other individual cooperate.
– expect the other individual to work in a courteous and open way to solve the problem.
– set behavioral consequences and limits when abusive and nasty behavior is aimed at you.

Picture credit: Phillie Casablanca • Creative Commons Attribution